I have been going out with my partner for two years and we are planning to move in together, but one thing threatens to derail our happiness. He has a tendency to mention his ex, with whom he lived for five years.
She was an extremely difficult and demanding woman, but he's given me the impression she was always passionate in the bedroom, and I can't help feeling that he thinks they had better sex than we do.
I don't want to seem haunted and jealous, but I really wish he would drop the subject. What should I do?
Some women have a maddening way of looming over their successors - even when they're dead, or miles away
This is a textbook case of Rebecca Syndrome, named in tribute to Daphne du Maurier's famous novel about a wealthy widower's second wife who finds her life haunted by her glamorous predecessor.
Some women have a maddening way of looming over their successors - even when they're dead, or miles away.
I'm afraid those women invariably are of a certain type: the femme fatale.
Just look at the way you describe your partner's ex: 'difficult', 'demanding' and 'passionate'.
Just look at the way you describe your partner's ex: 'difficult', 'demanding' and 'passionate'.
I bet she's the sort of person who smashes plates, slams down phones and then uses sex to reel her victims back in.
Imagine how any woman who's ever dated a man after Angelina Jolie's had her teeth stuck into him must feel! A bit mousy and second-best is my guess.
And let's get one thing clear here: your resentment is not in the least bit irrational.
Nobody wants to be constantly reminded that they are the second Mrs de Winter. Particularly when the person doing the reminding is Mr de Winter.
Nobody wants to be constantly reminded that they are the second Mrs de Winter. Particularly when the person doing the reminding is Mr de Winter.
Shame on your boyfriend for making you feel inadequate, when you're bending over backwards to be accommodating.
It seems to me that there's one of two things going on here and, without knowing him, I can't tell which it is.
He's either a) a complete dunderhead who has no grasp whatsoever of female psychology and is just being clumsy and needy, or b) he's manipulative and controlling and is deliberately trying to undermine you because he himself feels inadequate.
If the latter hypothesis chimes any bells then I would seriously reconsider your future with this man. A few nasty male specimens retain their girlfriends by constantly whittling away at their confidence and implying that they'll never match up to some mythical uber-vixen.
The majority of men are grateful that an attractive woman wants to have sex with them and wouldn't dream of adjudicating bedroom performance as if we were show ponies.
If your boyfriend's merely the clumsy kind (which seems more likely, since you love him), then the only way to proceed is to sit him down and tell him how insensitive he's being.
Ask him how he'd feel if you kept mentioning an ex-boyfriend and talking about the sex you'd had. He'd probably be hoofing it out of the door in a nanosecond.
I think it's possible that your chap has no idea how overshadowed you feel and that he doesn't actually think this ex was better in bed.
Most men find demanding, volatile women quite draining in the long run and prefer to make love than be forced to perform.
It's likely that he's working his way through a painful psychodrama by talking about the past relationship (using you as his therapist), but that the last thing in the world he wants is for you to imitate his ex.
I really do think that you need to look at the inner dynamics of your relationship, because the more confident you feel in your boyfriend's love, the less you'll worry about his ex.
Indeed, I have one female friend who was so confident of her husband's love that she was entirely happy to move into a flat that his first wife had decorated with hand-painted frescos, telling me with admirable sang froid she was pleased she didn't have to think about the decor.
More than that, she has the same Christian name as the first wife and they are both artists.
Is your own insecurity perhaps born of the fact that you sense a passion in your boyfriend's former relationship that is not coursing through your own?
It could, of course, be the case that you are dwelling so hard on his past that you are not concentrating enough on your present and future. Don't try and imitate his exlover when you could be creating sparks of your own.
Because you are in the process of taking a big step, by sharing a home, it might be sensible to consider some form of couples' therapy with a qualified relationship counsellor (try Relate or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy's websites).
Give Rebecca's ghost a vigorous exorcism! Your new home's meant for two, not three.