We admit it: Women can be difficult. Consequently, scientists (and in some cases, seamstresses), have been working around the clock to develop new products that liberate you from the impossible demands associated with actual human contact. Here are some recent masterpieces:
November 6, 2009
The Fleshlight
You know, like a flashlight! Except with a vagina! This discrete plastic canister secretly houses a washable pink silicon rubber "masturbation sleeve," available in 7 different textures—from "vortex" to "speed bump"—and a variety of orifices, including "mouth," "lady," and "butt" (use your imagination). Also available from the company: "Sex in a Can"—which kind of looks like an energy drink. Except with a vagina.
The Funktionide
German designer Stefan Ulrich thinks "people will turn to robots for the illusion of a living presence to satisfy their emotional needs." So he built the Funktionide, which is essentially a giant white body pillow with one crucial difference: It breathes. Thanks to "electroactive polymers" that change shape when an electric current is applied, the Funktionide provides very lonely Germans "with an atmosphere of presence thus counteracting the feeling of loneliness." Because staying home on a Saturday night with your shape-shifting pillow won't feel lonely at all.
RealDolls
Not just for Lars anymore, these things are fully functioning (and I think we all know the primary function), ultra-realistic, life-size, fleshlike companions. You can build your own special "lady" online like something out of Weird Science, and the nice people at Abyss Creations will assemble her for you. The bad news is that pubic hair costs an extra $100. But the good news is they're now shipping free! Which is more than you can say for most mail-order brides. Plus, they're fully serviceable (as in repairable, you pervert).
"Moe" Pillows
It was only a matter of time, really, before the country that gave us vending machines of soiled schoolgirl panties one-upped itself. No doubt you're already aware of a subculture of Japanese men who want nothing more than to do it with anime characters. Well, over the last few years its members have begun applying their muses' likenesses to huge pillowcases, stuffing them, and subsequently falling in love with them. Now you can too!
You know, like a flashlight! Except with a vagina! This discrete plastic canister secretly houses a washable pink silicon rubber "masturbation sleeve," available in 7 different textures—from "vortex" to "speed bump"—and a variety of orifices, including "mouth," "lady," and "butt" (use your imagination). Also available from the company: "Sex in a Can"—which kind of looks like an energy drink. Except with a vagina.
The Funktionide
German designer Stefan Ulrich thinks "people will turn to robots for the illusion of a living presence to satisfy their emotional needs." So he built the Funktionide, which is essentially a giant white body pillow with one crucial difference: It breathes. Thanks to "electroactive polymers" that change shape when an electric current is applied, the Funktionide provides very lonely Germans "with an atmosphere of presence thus counteracting the feeling of loneliness." Because staying home on a Saturday night with your shape-shifting pillow won't feel lonely at all.
RealDolls
Not just for Lars anymore, these things are fully functioning (and I think we all know the primary function), ultra-realistic, life-size, fleshlike companions. You can build your own special "lady" online like something out of Weird Science, and the nice people at Abyss Creations will assemble her for you. The bad news is that pubic hair costs an extra $100. But the good news is they're now shipping free! Which is more than you can say for most mail-order brides. Plus, they're fully serviceable (as in repairable, you pervert).
"Moe" Pillows
It was only a matter of time, really, before the country that gave us vending machines of soiled schoolgirl panties one-upped itself. No doubt you're already aware of a subculture of Japanese men who want nothing more than to do it with anime characters. Well, over the last few years its members have begun applying their muses' likenesses to huge pillowcases, stuffing them, and subsequently falling in love with them. Now you can too!
The Flip Hole
Already a winner by virtue of its name alone, the Flip Hole also (perhaps not so surprisingly) hails from Japan—where a crack team of masturbatologists toiled long and hard to bring you a self-pleasuring device so advanced, so technologically superior, it makes an actual vagina seem quainter than a Jensen steam engine. Its interior contains such inscrutable features as the "Click Orb," "Side Rib," and "Wing Gate." And the promotional video makes you feel like you're docking in some scary alien spaceship from the future. Which is probably what entering a real vagina seems like to the people who buy this thing.
Honorable Mention: the "Autoblow" Robotic blow job
Didn't Harrison Ford get one of these in Blade Runner—like, 27 years ago?
Already a winner by virtue of its name alone, the Flip Hole also (perhaps not so surprisingly) hails from Japan—where a crack team of masturbatologists toiled long and hard to bring you a self-pleasuring device so advanced, so technologically superior, it makes an actual vagina seem quainter than a Jensen steam engine. Its interior contains such inscrutable features as the "Click Orb," "Side Rib," and "Wing Gate." And the promotional video makes you feel like you're docking in some scary alien spaceship from the future. Which is probably what entering a real vagina seems like to the people who buy this thing.
Honorable Mention: the "Autoblow" Robotic blow job
Didn't Harrison Ford get one of these in Blade Runner—like, 27 years ago?